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#1 EditorAdmin

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Posted 08 February 2018 - 09:51 PM






The author of the book most recently featured here would like feedback on this new version of the query.


Dear E. Editor,

Muriel Snick started working in the palace kitchens when she was five years old. Now that she's sixteen, she could almost run them herself. There isn't a job Snick hasn't performed, from rotating spits to decorating cakes, and she's dreamed of running her own kitchen for years.

Snick ran [runs] away during the palace riots. It was one thing to stick around when King Richard died, but with [now] someone [is] murdering [Richard's] children—legitimate, illegitimate, and [including] any palace staff young enough to be [his offspring.] illegitimate—the countryside is much safer. She'll [Muriel hopes to find work as a cook and establish herself somewhere new, where no one will know she's the family disgrace [her true identity].

A commoner group called the Truth Seekers is willing to take a chance on her. With all the remaining royalty declaring war on each other, the Seekers are doing work royalty's supposed to, like organizing flood relief and investigating missing nobility. They've also established ties with a neighboring country, who's going [willing] to take in a group of refugees. They need another good cook to go [travel] with the group. If Snick gets some experience cooking in the field, managing limited resources and contrary workers, she could be that cook. [You said the Seekers were willing to take a chance on her. I assumed that meant they were hiring her as a cook. But now it sounds like she doesn't have the job yet. I suggest changing the first two sentences of this paragraph to: With all the remaining royalty declaring war on each other, a commoner group called the Truth Seekers are doing work royalty's supposed to, like organizing flood relief and investigating missing nobility. Then change the last sentence to It's the perfect opportunity for Muriel.]

There are a few problems with this plan. She [Muriel] was never a servant. Muriel Snick isn't her real name. If anyone finds out who she is, well, not even the Seekers could keep someone from killing her [protect her]. And worst of all: she doesn't want to leave. [Can't she leave and come back after the refugees get where they're going?]

Truth Seekers is a YA fantasy, complete at 90,000 words. The somewhat unreliable narrator never acknowledges her real name. While this book stands alone, it is the proposed first in a trilogy.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

I like the focus on Muriel the cook rather than Muriel the princess.

Once we know her name's Muriel Snick, I think you should call her Muriel rather than Snick.

I still don't see why the reader of this query needs to know Muriel never acknowledges her real name.



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