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Face-Lift 1357

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Posted 22 June 2017 - 06:06 PM

Guess the Plot

The Lair of 1000 Butterflies

1. Rolanda Devereaux doesn't understand why the bar she has opened in Steeltown, PA, isn't drawing any customers. Could it be the name?  

2. When 13-year-old Harlow is discovered covered in blood, he claims he was kidnapped by butterflies. But that doesn't explain why he suddenly can bust out ninja moves and communicate with cats. Or does it?

3. Evil scientist Mushas Mashississist has concocted a new scheme for world domination! He shall breed Chaos Butterflies ™!! Only two kids and their new superpowers can stop him!!! Small problem--they must steal their superpowers from evil scientist Og!vey and then learn to use them!!!!

4. With each flap of their wings, a hurricane happens on the other side of the world. A group of luckless explorers unleash a horror unlike any other as they uncover The Lair of 1000 Butterflies. Will the butterfly nets their local guide brought along contain the kaleidoscope?

5. In the land of Sydoz, butterflies are protected by the local religion, whose practitioners consider them unattached souls. But the newly arrived vampire butterflies will morph into enormous fanged dragons . . . unless Noknoor, butterfly slayer, can find and destroy the lair where these bloodthirsty beasts lurk - while risking being executed if he harms the wrong ones.

6. World renowned lepidopterist Merve Janks has almost completed the ultimate butterfly collection. Will finding his 1,000th new subspecies be enough to save his professorship, his marriage, and cure his rare form of cancer? Or, should he join a hidden cult in the Amazon and sacrifice himself to their butterfly god?

7. The sign out front said 'Massage'. So when 76 year old Peter 'Pops' Warren went in for relief from his old war wound, he got a real surprise ending. Now he has daily 'sessions', and his wife is getting more than a bit suspicious. Why, she might just go there and see what's up, as it were.

Original Version

If there’s one thing twelve-year-old Victor hates, it’s cats [Wait , is this the same book we did in Face-Lift 1351, which was titled The All-Mads? Or is this book 2 in the series?] —every time one talks, he’s cursed to die. He reincarnates since he’s an Arcana God, but he doesn’t want to grow up again, lose the memories of his 1000th life, or leave his adoptive mom/mentor. Not to mention dying hurts. So when a tabby chants a prophecy, Victor’s surprised he stumbles into an injured autistic boy named Harlow instead of some monster. [Harlow? Change it to Hugo. Like in Victor Hugo.] But the boy he rescues might be the villain, not the victim. [You said he stumbled into him. Not that he rescued him.]

Thirteen-year-old Harlow was kidnapped by butterflies. At least, that’s how he explains why he was covered in blood, not all of which was his; [To me, "I was kidnapped by butterflies" does not explain why you are covered in blood. In fact, the only thing for which that would be a good explanation would be if you were encasing yourself in a cocoon.] can bust out ninja moves; and is super friendly with the cat who cursed Victor.  When Victor realizes the cat’s prophecy is about Harlow, [If Harlow and the cat are such good buddies, why didn't the cat deliver the prophecy to Harlow? How can Victor realize the prophecy is about Harlow, if he just met Harlow?] he’s convinced: Harlow is the living manifestation of his curse. [I don't follow. What exactly did the cat say?] [Also, what is meant by "the living manifestation of a curse"?] Problem is, he likes Harlow. Maybe even likes likes him.

Desperate for a solution, Victor visits his shrine and views memories from his past lives. What he discovers isn’t exactly encouraging. If a God is deemed “not godly enough” at the end of their 1000th life, someone new will take their place. [If this information is in his shrine, why hasn't he ever discovered it before?] Victor needs to find a way to reverse the curse—preferably one that doesn’t involve sacrificing Harlow in a bloodstone circle—or this life might be his last. 


I'll assume this is the same book, as you've provided no word count, genre, or mention of a previous book. 

What is the cat's prophecy? I'm not asking because I want to know. I'm asking because I think you need it in the query. I'm not sure any of the information in the query is more important than that.

There too much information that we don't need, so much it feels disorganized. Why bring up Ninja moves, adoptive mom/mentor, or even butterflies if you aren't going to tell us how they affect the story? Focus on Victor and Harlow. What do they want, what's their plan to get it, what's stopping them, what's at stake.

When a cat tells 12-year-old Victor [PROPHECY], Victor fears he's going to die. It has nothing to do with the cat's prophecy; Victor dies every time a cat talks. It's happened 999 times, and after the 1000th, Victor could lose his status as an Arcana God.

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