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#1 EditorAdmin

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Posted 25 May 2017 - 03:39 PM


Revision of Face-Lift 1288: The Feast of Masks, previous revision posted 5/7/17
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In legend, dragons could accomplish anything with their magic if they possessed the right treasure.

Mercenary Tali Adilrein no longer trains to use dragon magic.  However, she still recognizes that Shimmer, a girl she rescues [rescued] from kidnappers, is a powerful "dragon treasure."

Tali hires on as Shimmer's bodyguard.  She thinks she'll be defending [the girl] against a corrupt mage, the kind she once might have become.

She's wrong.

An ancient dragon is working through unwitting pawns to capture Shimmer.  It influences the thoughts and actions of some.  Others carry artifacts enchanted to serve its will.

To defeat the dragon and protect Shimmer, Tali will need more than her skills as a mercenary.  She will need her own dragon magic and Shimmer's aid--even if it destroys them both.


Notes

It feels a bit sparse, but possibly only because of the short paragraphs. "She's wrong" would be okay as a separate paragraph if it were a momentous claim, but I already inferred she was wrong when you said "She thinks..." So I'd just tack "She's wrong" on the end of the previous paragraph.

You could also combine the first two paragraphs. Which then might sound better if it went ...no longer uses dragon magic, but she still...

If it's dragons that need dragon treasures to become all-powerful, why does Tali think she'll be defending Shimmer from a mage rather than a dragon?

"Her skills as a mercenary" is pretty vague. We already know she's a mercenary. What mercenary skills are we talking about? Fighting skills? Tracking skills? Camouflage?

Apparently you didn't like Ston3h3ng3's suggestion that you open with To fight (or defeat) a dragon, Tali will have to become a dragon. It would be a good 1-sentence paragraph to draw us in.


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